Trailer Trash: Clerks 2

Director: Kevin Smith – Weinstein Company
Screw this! Get to work on ‘Green Hornet’ and ‘Fletch One’ already!
Run THOSE franchises into the ground!

Nothing new here: For a writer/director who’s known for his witty and charming dialogue, this teaser-trailer is suspiciously absent of any and all proof of that. It offers us but a few forced deliveries at the very beginning and end. How clever Kevin, you truly are a master wordsmith (But I guess that’s why it falls into the ‘teaser’ category). And look, it starts off in black & white, how nostalgic and paltry. Are we gonna be treated to another lame-ass attempt from Randal conning Dante into admitting all the gay S&M stuff he would do for a flying car again? Is he gonna tongue-lash another customer about how they can’t “shop here anymore!” Is Dante gonna bellyache about how many guys reamed his girlfriend in the back of a Volkswagen but won’t even let him near her brown-eye? I know I’m mixing and matching characters and events here, but suck it! I’m trying to make a point.

These scenes almost make me forget her abhorrent slutty performance in Sin City. What? She was in Sin City? See how easy that was.

Recurring themes make baby Jesus cry: Now I couldn’t care less about these guys anymore; Jeff Anderson hasn’t aged very well whereas Brian O’Halloran hasn’t aged at all. Silent Bob will no doubt do his Marcel Marceau shtick again, slipping in a little nugget of wisdom somewhere along the line, and I think his little bitch-boy is about to say “Snoogans” again or some such sh*t. Mr. Smith’s wife isn’t all that hot (I don’t care if she WAS in Playboy, all I can see in that photo is Superman’s greasy pompadour) and who the bloody blue blazes is this dude? A new ‘clerk’? Is Mr. Smith afraid his characters aren’t whimsical enough anymore to sustain yet another 2 hours of snappy banter and witty repartee ala “I’m-not-even-supposed-to-be-here-today” that he had to introduce a comic relief sidekick? This move seems akin to Henry Winkler having an office in the bathroom at Al’s Diner, or suddenly introducing Dalton James (Who? Exactly.) as Richard Dean Anderson’s long lost son, or better yet, introducing a “colored” character on ‘Friends’… like that sh*t ever happens (I lost interest after the 4th season anyways). But I can’t wait to see how the new setting of Mooby’s will bring forth so many more possibilities of endless mirth and mayhem. Oh bliss. I am truly elated. Cripes, this movie should be 2 hours of Rosario Dawson just dancing around in that green top and I swear I won’t blink once. Strap me in and butter me up.

Has anyone seen ‘Alexander’? I haven’t but I heard it was awesome.

What am I feeling here?: This “teaser” as it is referred to in the “in-dustry” does pick up some well-needed pace right about the time the song kicks into high gear, cuz before that happens the clips don’t synch well with the heavy metal crescendo PANTOUTE!!! (that’s French for “your sister blows bubble gum”). I felt like bashing my monitor in with my bare fist, but the dull images counter-produced that instinctual animal urge.

I know I’m showing only stills of “The Roz”, but right now she’s the only interesting feature making me watch this teaser over and over again with my pants around my ankles… ah crap, was that Wanda Sykes?

Recurring characters make last night’s prostitute cry: Now it might not be all that obvious, but I am in fact an unabashed Kevin Smith fan (pick up the ‘Chasing Dogma’ TPB comic book, takes place between ‘Chasing Amy’ and ‘Dogma’. It’s a hoot and a half. (Shameless plug #1) save for his last few endeavors which kept getting more and more “stick-a-feather-down-my-throat-and-throw-up-macaroni” unfunny. Yet, as you may or may not have noticed, he still managed to squeeze in all his D-list Hollywood buddies, even though he’d promised he wouldn’t in this movie. Of course, he also promised Jay & Silent Bob were shelved characters, but why deep-six your bread & butter? I guess they still feel they ‘owe’ him, but if I were Jason Lee (who apparently plays a new character), I’d march right up to Mr. Smith and say “My Name is Earl, bitch!” and leave in a huff. I think that would be amusing. And kinda sexy in a non-gay way. Plus, the only excitement I get from seeing Ben Affleck (who’s reprising Bartleby methinks I heard) these days is the anticipation of his new George Reeves biopic. Look it up kids, it should be a doozy (Shameless plug #2). George Carlin is suspiciously absent throughout this whole debacle. He’s top drawer when it comes to comedy. Even though his mighty presence could not salvage ‘Jersey Girl’, let’s all hope against hope that he pops up. Oh, and maybe that Damon guy, too. He’s a good kid.

 
For all you whiny-ass purists, a collage of your tried & true snooze-fest characters.

Better not be another ‘Jersey Girl’: On the official “Clerks II” website, chronicling the making of the movie, it clearly admits to being a train wreck and a disaster in the making, and I, for one, choose to take those words literally. The teaser did little to entice me but I will still spend my hard-earned moola on this feature when it comes out, no doubt about it. And since this movie is scheduled for an August release date, we will for sure be treated to a more substantial true-to-life trailer to further wet our fanboy appetites. I did however get a kick out of the end; Lights on!? Randal on stage? The others bewildered? Mr. f*cking Ed??? Maybe it’s just me but it just screams harebrained and ostentatious 80’s movie tribute, and knowing Mr. Smith and his heterosexual admiration for John Hughes, I wouldn’t put it past him.

Respectively: New jack-off clerk, Mystery Horse, and Mrs. Kevin Smith.
That’s not a typo, that is, indeed, respectively.

View the trailer here: Click Here

– (If not for Ms. Dawson, 2 stars at best)