Trailer Trash: Special

Special – First Look Studios
Check out the trailer here.

Novel Idea: OK, so this is about Les (Michael Rapaport) who is taking experimental drugs and makes himself believe he developed super powers as a side effect. How come no one has thought of this before? My only regret so far is that we already know that he obviously doesn’t have powers, but they should’ve made the trailer much more vague and let us think he maybe actually did have powers but make us believe he was just bad at crime-fighting ‘cuz we see him all bruised up. Why not just ruin the whole movie and show him waking up at the end and have the whole movie be a dream, while you’re at it? DAMN YOU, NEWHART!

“Just because something is a force field, right, doesn’t mean it has to be invisible.” Truer words have never been spoken.

Tip Of My Tongue: God-dammit! Where do I know that guy who plays the doctor from? Point Break? The Big Lebowski? That one episode of Night Court I mistakenly watched at 4:37 in the A.M. when I was whole-heartedly expecting a riveting soft-core porn flick? I guess I’ll have to live with the knowledge that soft-core porn just isn’t as ‘in’ as it used to be. Now I have to get my rocks off with these stupid Cana-Dates infomercials. Dear Lord, where do they get these broads anyways, the Tranny section at Home Depot?

Best superhero costume since Unbreakable.

New York Accent Much?: Ah, good ol’ Michael Rapaport. This role seems reminiscent of his more indie days with such roles in Beautiful Girls and Metro True Romance. As long as this performance can make me forget I have to spend Sunday nights watching a whole half-hour of unfunny and trite entertainment that is The War at Home ‘cuz I’m too damn lazy to do something constructive with my life like writing an angry letter to Parliament or staring at the wall instead of waiting for Family Guy to come on after such nonsense which plays right after The Simpsons. Seriously, what moron TV executive came up with that retarded Sunday night line-up? “Sir, we have The Simpsons at 8:00, Family Guy at 9:00 and American Dad at 9:30. We still need something to fill that 8:30 timeslot since King of the Hill is the un-funniest cartoon in history, and I mean worse than Bob and Margaret. Remember that shit? Anyways, I was thinking maybe Benny Hill reruns? No? How about that failed Jenny McCarthy sitcom? Which one? There was more than one? Hmm, let’s see then… how about giving the folks at home a good ol’ fashioned Indian Head Test Pattern for a whole half-hour? It’s nostalgic! The War at Home you say? What a novel idea! I’ll clean out my desk right away, sir.” That’s what being cheap and not paying for cable does to your primetime enjoyment; you end up with all of 3 channels.

This guy’s a wacko. Sure, when I spy on people through the dairy section I may have my pants around my ankles but at least I’m not wearing some weird spacesuit reject outfit.

Beep-Boop-Beep-Boop-Boop-Boop-Boop: That freakin’ music makes me wanna buy a second-hand ColecoVision! Who wants to come over for an exciting afternoon of Fortune Builder or even Zaxxon! A place where nobody dared to go, the love that we came to know. They call it Xanadu…”

That last pack of Ho Hos is MINE!

If Looks Could Soil Your Pants: I laughed so goddamn hard at the part where he’s checking out that sketchy dude in the convenience store and they cut to the store videotape footage of him tackling the dude, I immediately went out and re-enacted the scene myself at my local dépanneur (corner store). Needless to say, I’m not allowed to shop there anymore. Good, ‘cuz I don’t need their stinkin’ overpriced-yet-savory-chocolate-croissants. Fuck me I’m so hungry.

Can leap tall piles of garbage in 3 bounces.

Remembering John Candy: I may have to see this movie just to see if one of the times he gets tackled/run over by a car does or doesn’t make the list of The Greatest Movie Tackles of All Time, which goes as follows: 2nd Greatest Movie Tackle of All Time – Will Ferrell and Rick Gonzalez in Old School. 1st Greatest Movie Tackle of All Time – Kevin Pollack and I – forget – who – the – other – dude – is – but – if – I – remember – correctly – he’s – supposed – to – the – Prime – Minister – or – something – to – that – effect in Canadian Bacon. As you can see the list is short, the search continues. Although hit-and-runs are oft times quite spectacular, as evidenced in Meet Joe Black, tackles are funnier.

Seriously, how does any superhero keep an identity secret when they’re all bruised up? You can only use the ‘walked-into-a-door’ excuse so many times without being labeled as a complete retard with any depth perception.

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