Trailer Trash: Bubble

Welcome to our new weekly feature: Trailer Trash will look at fine art of trailers – we’ll be digesting the newest offerings that the studios use to constantly remind us that there are other excellent products out there on the horizon. Sometimes they’re good…and most of the time they’re crap. Take it away Mr. Marc-Andre Rouleau!

Director: Steven Soderbergh – Magnolia Pictures

Spine shivers: I could bore you to death with copious cheap cracks about Chucky, the twin sisters from The Shining, or even my own murderous childhood, but Bubble and these ankle-biting devil-spawns still don’t take the cake away from the Estelle Costanza (Seinfeld) doll. Still, I admit my morbid fascination got the better of me; I could not look away from fear of having one of those amputated Living Dead Dolls jump from the screen, gouge my eyes out with a splintered tinker toy and then proceed to pour battery acid down my blood-soaked cavernous sockets… it’s those kinds of brain spasms that seriously make me reconsider eating whole plates of spicy nachos at 4:00 o’clock in the morning…

Sucklings of the darkest bowels of Hades, aka Evil Incarnate.

Fear-Mongers: I’m willing to bet that if you ripped one of the arms off one of those completely assembled dolls/harbingers-of-doom, another would just instantaneously sprout back to replace it, and a whole OTHER marionette/soul-usurper would burgeon out of the afore-mentioned severed arm, and we all know who has the awe-inspiring ability to accomplish feats of such magnitude… that’s right, Satan… or Gene Shalit, it’s a toss-up.

Boy Scout training won’t save you now: I still can’t decide if it instills more fear into me with or without the music. But I’ll admit to one thing, my curiosity has been proverbially piqued, and my rectum has been painfully sewn shut. Now I’m not saying I fear these plastic-y nursling-torturers would anally rape me in my soft sweet slumber, but it pays to be prepared for just such an occasion, God forbid.

No matter where you hide, they will find you… and your family.
The one at the bottom of that pic is looking right at you, bud. You’re next.

Spread the rumor: Since my intrepid overseas adventures have left me with little time to myself, hence no time to have watched any of Soderbergh’s movies since ‘Out of Sight’, I’ll go right ahead and assume he’s become a necrophiliac pedophile.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go turn on all the lights in my apartment and staple my eyelids open… and bid any hope of future sleep a fond adieu… LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!! Ha! Ha! Psych!… man, I am SO 1982…

– (they let you keep all your limbs if you give it a good rating)

Trailers: Quicktime Trailer