Trust The Man – Fox Searchlight
Having Fun With Stereotypes, Part I: Good God! A movie which perpetuates the stereotype that men only talk about sports and sex. Women will finally breathe a heavy sigh of relief in proclaiming “I KNEW they were all the same, goddamn pigs!” It’s like when I finally learned the truth that PMS makes women “total raving lunatic bitches” (thank you Roseanne Barr-Arnold-whatever-you-go-by-these-days). Well, folks, lemme tell you, I’m not much for organized sport and I squirm at the mere mention of the word “urethra” (hee hee). I don’t even touch myself ‘cuz I know God is watching alongside my dead grandparents (sorry about those few times back in college… and last week… and a few minutes ago…twice…), so obviously every guy is exactly like I am and won’t relate to these highly fictional characters in the least. And if you do, what kinda sadistic perv are you anyways? You’re probably one of those mentally deficient jocks who while watching the trailer nodded your head when Duchovny said he “likes” sex; “Yes, I do enjoy the occasional sexual relations with my bride-wench. What a *deleted expletive* for not putting out the times I crave her soft flesh.” Shame on you. You’re that dick with the gorgeous and underappreciated girlfriend who complains to her friends about what an inconsiderate douche you are but she still “loves” you and is convinced that you will eventually “change” and then try spawning babies in hopes to save your already doomed pseudo-relationship. Well, you two retards deserve each other. Choke and die. I hate you all. But you are this movie’s bread and butter and the producers’ thank you for that.
goofy face #1
Having Fun With Stereotypes, Part II: Women are loose! ALL OF THEM!!! For the right price of course. Case in point: Julianne Moore just found out that Maggie Gyllenhaal and Billy Crudup are kaput and she already has someone who is PERFECT for Maggie! Goddamn tart! (I’m quite aware the edit makes us believe she only just found out, but that makes my job of stereotyping a whole lot faster and easier). And how superb, the ex-boyfriend gets a chance to make fun of said perfect guy by humiliating his illegal alien status in front of a bunch strangers, men are such jerks, no?
Slightly less goofy face #2
Having Fun With Stereotypes, Part III: Men are cheap!!! Well, can’t really argue that, it’s right there in plain sight, isn’t it? Although it does simultaneously contradict another stereotype; men DON’T buy flowers for their girlfriends, and Crudup is clearly intent on purchasing (the cheapest possible) flowers. What a paradox (I’m not even sure that’s even the right word to use, which makes the stereotype that men are dumb and useless all the more true).
Having Fun With Stereotypes, Part IV: Men don’t know what relationships are about, whereas women know exactly what it’s all about. Maggie’s expression when she mentions kids is on par of a child on Christmas morning, who eventually gets bored with his new toy and lets it drown in the tub while he was gossiping on the phone about that slutty new neighbor. Guess what Maggie, I got your seed right here.
Uber-goofy face #3
Having Fun With Stereotypes, Part V: Women cheat on their boyfriends/husbands!!! (That’s pretty much a fact… goddamn harlots). I don’t even buy that Eva Mendes would be attracted to a Crudup anyways. What is a Crudup and what does it eat?
Having Fun With Stereotypes, Part VI: Men know how to talk dirty. See above entry for “urethra” (tee hee). Obviously Billy Crudup is not a real man; he can’t even talk dirty and he was earlier seen shopping for flowers, what a moron loser. No wonder his relationship fails.
Goofy-ish face #4
Simple Math: “4 FRIENDS!” “2 COUPLES!” HOT DANG!!! All that’s missing are 3 nuns, a donkey and 1967 Dodge Charger, NOW you’ve got a party!
I Miss Larry Sanders: Ah, Garry Shandling, you are a comical genius, why do you feel the need to participate in run-of-the-mill sappy flicks like this one? What Planet Are You From? sucked hardcore (except for the scrumptious Judy Greer), and so did Town & Country… I’m only assuming it did, that is…
It’s A Guy Thing: “You da man!” “No, YOU da man!” “How can I be da man when you TOTALLY da man???” NO, YOU DA MOTHER F#CKING MAN, BRO!!!” “HIGH FIVE, MOTHER F#CK-AAAAAHHH!!!!! Honestly, not all of us talk like that…
I felt great pleasure in seeing Duchovny get it right in the sack, unfortunately when I jumped up to cheer I mangled my scrotum on the table corner. Stupid instant karma.
…oh, and goofy face #5… mine, that is…
God Hates Us, Otherwise He Wouldn’t Let Pretty Boys Make Music: GAAH!!! What the hell is that song? Is that Rob Thomas? Maroon 5? Nickleback??? For the love of Christ, someone puncture my ear drums with an un-chalked pool cue. “Where am I now?” Dunking my head in the septic tank, that’s where.
That Guy From Almost Famous… I Think…: OBVIOUSLY the credits are in alphabetical order, how else would Crudup get top billing? Honestly folks.
Mr. Banner, don’t get angry. You know what happens when you get angry.
(Come on, if you squint really hard it almost looks like Eric Bana… ah, suck it…)
Romance Is Witty, And That’s Why It Never Gets Laid (‘Cuz Girls Claim They Want Someone That Will Make Them Laugh, But That’s All A Bunch Of Hooey): Finally, a movie that proves that SOMETIMES, not always–but just SOMETIMES, you have to be goddamn crazy… to be committed. Get it??? DO YOU GET IT????? Man, what a delicious pun, I need a f#cking cigarette after that witty play on words.
I Had To Watch This Over And Over Again…: TRUST ME when I say this is gonna both suck AND blow. What’s that, you say? I might be pleasantly surprised? Well if so, I will proceed to pleasantly pull a Liam Broggy and sucker punch you in the ballsack in the backseat of a dingy cab, sound good? If you read this before watching the trailer, do yourself a favor and skip it; instead just cut your face with an infected broken beer bottle then smother it in vinegar while walking across scattered rusty nails while devil midgets poke you in the ribs with a hot branding iron, it should be somewhat less painful…
Rating: 
– (for Duchovny getting it in the ‘nads)
Check out the trailer here.
