Trailer Trash: Wordplay

Wordplay – IFC Films/The Weinstein Company

Check out the trailer here.

2 + 2 = ?: Congratulations to IFC Films and The Weinstein Company, next to the paraplegic 14-year-old kid’s rotting corpse in the city dumpster near my apartment you just made me feel like the dumbest person on earth. My mom did the best she could, and failed miserably. The coach still didn’t give me the OK to take off my helmet.

Will Shortz: Evil Mastermind who likes to make dumb people feel even dumber. I hate you and everything you stand for.

I Am So Smart. S-M-R-T: The last time I tried doing a crossword puzzle I managed to answer all of 2, you heard me, TWO questions… and I remember them like it was yesterday (and no, it wasn’t yesterday. It was Wednesday, October 9th, 1996., a breezy autumn day it was, ripe for conquest, just not by me) The two answers I came up with, which a friend confirmed later on were right, were Walt Disney and Steve Allan. Now I don’t even need to tell you the questions to those answers, you can pretty much guess them, and if you can’t, thanks for making me feel superior for all of 2 seconds of my life. Kinda hard to live down since I needed at least 3 right answers to NOT get anally raped by my kidnapper. Needless to say I leave crossword puzzles to the more adventurous types; I’ve had all the learning I can ‘take in’ for one lifetime. But there’s what 20+ years of Hee-Haw and Joanie Loves Chachi reruns will do to an 8 year-old suburban frenchie hopped up on 4 bowls of Cocoa Pebbles as 3 meals a day.

I Picture A Very Smurfy Language: That old woman said if it weren’t for Will Shortz we’d all be at home doing regular puzzles like normal people. Does watching DVDs of Wonder Woman in my ripped and lightly stained boy briefs count as doing puzzles? ‘Cuz if so I’m the uncontested world champ. Of course she probably thinks she’s the mayor of Crossword Puzzle Town with that shirt she’s wearing. I imagine a town populated with little white squares that eventually morph and retire as black squares after getting a certain amount of answers correct. I will forever be a white square, it seems.

I have a picture of Carmine Infantino in MY room. Look it up.

Takes An Even Bigger Nerd To Have Noticed: Was that a painting of comic book living legend Stan ‘The Man’ Lee next to The Philosopher? NNNEEEEERRRRRRRRRRDDDD!!!!!!!!!! The letter ‘Q’ has a feel to it? Really? I didn’t think letters and numbers had feels to them like days of the week or months or rusty metal pipes across the thorax. You learn something everyday, I guess.

Crossword puzzle 3-way. Aawww-right.

Thrills! Chills! Spills! Pathos!: “Oh my God, it’s a 3-way tie.” I was totally hooked until the word ‘tie’. “That’s gonna be epic.” Crossword puzzle people a fuckin’ hardcore, man. I wouldn’t wanna bump into one in a dark alley, they might just start weeping uncontrollably, and I don’t wanna deal with those kinda pussies. Breaks my frickin’ heart.

O-v-e-r-H-e-r-e-L-o-o-k-A-t-M-e: The Veteran: “I get very nervous. Why do I go through this? I’ve nothing left to prove. It’s all downhill from here.” I’m gonna switch from crossword puzzling to charades, if that’s OK with you folks. Here goes: 2 words; 1st word: 3 syllables; 2nd syllable: Ten (I’m showing all ten of my fingers, by the way. See how easy this is?); 3rd syllable: (I’m pointing at my ‘shin’…) Ah, to hell with this, she’s an ‘attention whore’. There, I said it.

Hide your small children. Your big ones too, come to think of it.

‘Biggest’ Loser: Hey ‘Underdog’, coming in 3rd place in the last 4 years is ‘kinda’ embarrassing? Embarrassing is getting caught by your neighbor while banging his dog behind his wooden shed, but at least I don’t admit that in front of a camera. Retard. I hope you lose again, but to make it even more humiliating I pray you come in 2nd place this time.

Stand back, people, his face is about to implode from humiliation.
You shouldn’t jerk off with both hands and a thumb up your ass, buddy. And who’s thumb that is should remain a mystery to the rest of us forever.

I Was Gonna Quote David Cross By Using “You Truly Are The King Of References” But He Was Talking About Dennis Miller So This Doesn’t Really Won’t Work Then, Will It?: The Errol Flynn of crossword puzzling? Funny, ‘cuz i was just about to say that Jon Stewart was the Rock Hudson of comedy. Gay and unfunny for you slower folks at home (kinda like me, but taller).

How can we possibly promote this?: So the only ‘big’ names they could get for this, all names (somewhat) related to politics? We have Jon Stewart (are his 15 minutes up yet?), Bill Clinton (wwhhhhtttssshhh!!!) and Bob Dole (Oh, why Dole? Why? You lost. It’s been 10 years. Are you still losing sleep over this? If you could only walk a mile in Al Gore’s shoes. Get over it already.) Golly gee, I sure do hope there are surprise guest appearances by Bill Maher and Al Franken. Throw in a little Bono in there and I’ll be pitching a tent with bells on.

Calm down there Daily Show boy, you’re not hosting the BET awards.

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