Drawing Restraint 9 – IFC Films
At first glance; beautifully breathtaking. This film looks and feels gorgeous, amazing cinematography. Ship on an ocean; soothing, relaxing, mesmerizing even, almost puts me in a trance-like state of calmness and serenity. The oceanic scenery accompanied by Icelandic beauty Bjork’s haunting melodic voice just transports you to a whole other unreal plane of reality. And look, not only does she provide sumptuous harmonies, but there she is kneeling among the rocks dipping her fingers ever so gently in the water, so nurturing-like. Her music makes me slightly uncomfortable but in that disturbingly good way, like I’m discovering all kinds of weird stuff about myself that probably should stay pent up and locked away.
-Yeah, you know what, not sure if the one eyebrow thing is the right look for you…
Appeasing, tranquil images pour through my brain like molasses on an English muffin. Right off the bat I can tell this is gonna be a superb date mo–WHAT THE F#CK WAS THAT?!?! HO-LEE GEEZ!!! DID YOU F#CKING SEE THAT?!?! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT GUY PULLING OUT OF THAT GARBAGE BAG?!?! WAS THAT COVERED IN MAGGOTS?!?!
-Aaaaaw-kwaaaaard!
SWEET POTATOE PIE, WHAT JUST OOZED OUT OF THAT KID’S MOUTH?!?! WAS THAT A FISH?!?! WHAT THE DEUCE WAS THAT BARRELL FULL OF PURPLE GOOP?!?!
-Oh, god, please don’t, don’t do that, please, I beg you, please don –oh god, too late…
SWEET CHRISTMAS!!! NOW WHAT IN HIGH HEAVENLY HELL IS COMING OUT OF THAT GIRL’S MOUTH?!?! ARE THOSE PEARLS?!?! WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?!?!
-Uh, do you need, like, a tissue or something?
OK, it’s over, I’m OK now… Jiminy Cricket, that was in-tense sh*t right there is what that was. Hard. Core. Wasn’t expecting that, like, at all. Geez, the only other trailer that ever made me hallucinating fire ants crawling all over my skin and into every orifice of my body was like that that Japanese horror movie about snails and spirals… ‘Snaily Spirals’, or ‘Spirally Snails’ I believe it was called… (or Uzumaki, whichever works for you folks…) Boy, am I glad that’s over and done with…
Who ordered the novelty-size slab of tofu? Anyone?
OK, now what in Sam Hill was that freaky mold I kept seeing everywhere? It was giving me the goddamn willies! People were eating it, ripping the middle part out, all kinds of hogwash!!! It’s obviously a metaphor for something, but I really didn’t feel like sticking around to find out what, not that I could pretend to even figure it out even after being told. Matthew Barney, you need to step up that medication and give this Cremaster – sh*t a rest already. Can’t wait to see this, by the way.
-“I’m looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call *me* master.”
Rating: 
Go to the offcial site for the trailer. Enjoy!
