Jesus Camp – Magnolia Pictures
Check out the trailer here.
Jesus Camp. Pretty self-explanatory. A documentary about the scariest people this side of the Atlantic. I crapped my pants twice and didn’t blink once while watching this trailer. I don’t know what it’s like to be a born again Christian, but now know the feeling of utter fear of becoming one.
“Boys and girls can change the world? Absolutely.” That’s some powerful detergent you’re shooting up with, church lady. Haven’t we been through this a billion times before? Disillusioned children grow up to be embittered degenerate wastes of human life, and will be blessed if they don’t go loco enough to slit their wrists before their teen years are a distant regretful memory. The only Jesus they’ll be praying to is their ‘Jesus Is My Co-Pilot’ T-shirt, which, for some reason, I still find hilarious. Children are our future, and the future looks bleak.
Those tears could very well be the elixir of life itself. If this little girl sticks her tongue out just a little bit, she’ll become immortal.
There’s a Christian flag now? Sweet effin’ Jesus, what the hell? And apparently 2 kinds of people (pay attention): people who love Jesus, and people who don’t. I must say, I never met the guy. He coulda been quite the prick for all I know. So I guess by default I hate him. Strike 1 for me.
If it hasn’t been said before I’m saying it now: The Bible Belt’s Army of God is taking over. WITH THEIR OWN CHOREOGRAPHY AND THEME SONG TO BOOT!! AWESOME!!! Set an extra place at the table, folks, you’re in for an evening that will blow the pants off your atheist asses.
I’m afraid to ask, but I’m even more afraid to not know… What do they need the camouflage makeup for?
Some kid got ‘saved’ when he was 5 years old!! Because he wanted more out of life!!! 5 YEARS OLD!!! I’m almost 30 and I shave my head ‘cuz it’s low maintenance, I don’t have cable ‘cuz I’m too cheap, and I don’t eat breakfast before leaving for work ‘cuz it cuts into my extra 15 minutes of sleep… who knew what I was missing out on? I’m so jealous of this kid it breaks my post-Christian heart to pieces. The same kid with the rat tail (which, if you read the Bible carefully, was frowned upon when Judas tried bringing it into style before he screwed over his BFF) feels he’s part of the key generation for Jesus to come back to. I wanna take this kid to an everything-goes strip club. Like, right now. And I want him to bring the J-Guy along. Christ, next you’re gonna tell me he’d give up his life for Jes—aw, F@%*! Strike 2 for me.
Believes in the 2nd coming. This is slightly more ambitious than my trying to sleep 3 straight uninterrupted days.
I’ll give the old windbag this: I’d rather come face to face with a Bible Camp kid than a Palestinian kid with a grenade in his hand. Strike 3 for me. I am OUTTA HERE!
Let me conclude by quoting the most obvious Billy Joel lyric: “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.”
Rating: 
for striking the fear of God in me.
