Trailer Trash: Scoop

Scoop – Focus Features
Check out the trailer here

I have a scoop for you: Woody Allen is old. And by “old” I mean unpleasant to look at.

From That Creepy Old Director/Actor Who Usually Makes Movies Set In New York And Sleeps With His Daughter: From the director of Match Point? Really? The most-un-Woody Allen movie ever? Just because it was his latest film and starred the same chick as in this one? Not Manhattan or Annie Hall or, I shudder to think, Celebrity… no, Match Point. I mean do we still need to specify “From the Director of…” with this guy anymore? It’s Woody freakin’ Allen!

“I’ve never done it with a ghost reporter in a Chinese box before… OK, maybe twice…”

In Spite Of His Reputation: He still manages to get any name he wants after the scandal, doesn’t he? Even the same broad twice in a row. Is she the new Diane Keaton/Mia Farrow? What was is that he asked Scarlett Johansson during the filming of Match Point? “What was your first time like?” or some such horseshit? I can’t wait to hear how he topped himself with this one.

Is there any face she CAN’T pull off?

What The Hell Am I Watching, Shakespeare In The Park?: Don’t you feel like the ghost journalist that appears to Scarlett should talk like James Cagney or something? “Now you listen to me, hear? I got the scoop that’ll blow the lid of this whole affair, see? Jot this down, dollface, ‘Tarot Killer Plays Last Hand’. I know you don’t really play cards with tarot cards, but bear with me, I’ll take ya straight to the top, kiddo, it’ll be dynamite! This’ll be great! This’ll be stupendous! Why doesn’t the script say to take a deep breath, I ask ya? I’m suffocating up here! This is how I died, y’know? Pay attention when I’m talking to ya, y’hear? Kids these days I tells ya, they never listen, nothing’s ever important enough. Whole world could be crumbling underneath their feet and they still wouldn’t notice. Whatever happened to the good ol’ black and white days of yore?…”

I couldn’t help but go all J. Geils Band on this and FREEZE FRAME!

Patronizing Son Of A Bitch: Is Woody actually trying to make his audience believe that a journalism student wouldn’t know who the hell Jack the Ripper is? I thought Woody never wrote down to his audience and always assumed they were as smart, if not smarter, than he is… doesn’t seem like it to me. I-feel-pretty-fuckin’-stupid-right-now-is-what-I’m-feeling-here.

“I swear I thought she was 15!”

Don’t They Usually Use The Best Parts In Trailers?: List of unfunny lines featured:
-“You’re an incredible human being and a credit to your race” Oh I get it, it’s a sarcastic yet cute comment, so that way it doesn’t come off as offensive… BORING! (Twice, mind you)
-“ ‘Jack the Ripper’. Is that capitalized?” Oh I get it, she’s a journalism student yet she has zero knowledge of ancient infamous criminals, how ironic… BORING!
-“Y’know, I think you could probably get this guy to get interested in you. Particularly if he’s got a twisted mind.” Oh I get it, ‘cuz she’s a few Cocoa Puffs short of a bowl herself… BORING!
-“This guy’s a serial killer. He could just kill at any moment!” “I heard that part, that’s when I knew I was gonna make other plans.” Oh I get it, you’re a louse and a coward… Well, that’s just a fact of life.
-“If we put our heads together you’ll hear a hollow noise.” Oh I get it, ‘cuz they’re both dumber than a sack o’ doorknobs… BORING!
-“Have you completely lost your mind? What do you put in your Metamucil?” Oh I get it, ‘cuz he’s old and decrepit… BORING!
-“The man is a liar and a murderer. I say that with all due respect” Oh, I get it, cuz—BORING!

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