This is getting old, boy!

I could go down the list of horrible Hollywood remakes for you fine folks but
I have enough enemies as it is, and I’m not even talking about remakes of
American movies like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (even if it was more based
on the book, it blew chunks) or King Kong. I’m talking about films foreign
to America.

The latest to suffer this fate more horrible than Michael Bolton covering one
of your songs is Korean film Oldboy by Chan-wook Park. Quick
synopsis: Oh Dae-Su is kidnapped and imprisoned for 15 years, and after being
released he has 5 days to figure out who did this to him and why. With minor
flaws this movie ranks way up there in my recent Top Ten lists. I don’t
want to spoil the ending for those who haven’t watched it, but there is
NO WAY Hollywood’s gonna let that sh*t fly. I imagine all these FCC guys
watching this in cringing terror, with their mommas keeping them company on
the phone through all the bad parts. And during the last few scenes their heads
just spontaneously combust. I’d pay top dollar to see that. Now if that
didn’t whet your appetites and make you run to the nearest video store
in your underwear to rent a copy, I don’t know what it takes. Justin Lin (Annapolis)
is set to direct the new version, with talks of Nicholas Cage (Raising
Arizona) in the lead role (oy gevalt… let’s pray that’s
only a rumor…). Lin is reported saying he only wants to do this IF they
don’t make him water down the ending. Good luck with that, chief.

There are those rare enjoyable remakes that Hollywood manages to pump out every
so often, like The Magnificent Seven by John Sturges (The
Great Escape), a revisit of Japanese filmmaker Akira Kurosawa’s
Seven Samurai (which I really tried staying awake
for, but combine a midnight showing of a film that clocks in at just over 3
½ hours to an extensive night of crime-fighting, and you’ve got
one exhausted moviegoer). I really dug the American version of The Ring
also, even though its sequel was beyond unwatchable. I was surprised to be dully
impressed by the original Japanese version, Ringu. I really
thought I’d be scared pants-less but my pants remained on my persons at
all times. Really disappointing.

Next up on the express train to potential Bombsville is Martin Scorsese’s
(The Last Waltz) remake of Wai Keung Lau and Siu Fai Mak’s
Infernal Affairs, another one of my recent Top Ten listers.
I must admit though, this one might make a surprising pit stop at Hitsville,
5 reasons why: as previously mentioned, it’s directed by Scorsese. Add
to that a stellar cast which includes greats like DiCaprio, Damon, Daddy Sheen
and freakin’ Nicholson. High hopes my friends. High. Hopes. Oh, and Marky
Mark and that fat kid from Harold and Kumar are peppered in there somewhere
too.