Posted: Saturday, March 5th, 2006
You’ll find my play by play below. I realized in blogging this event exactly why I hate live blogging. you’ll find the winners (with my wrong picks striked out like this) at the very end. Enjoy and be classy.
Warning: This piece contains a lot of sarcasm.
8:00pm – 8:15pm
– Hollywood magic, take me away!!!
– Nice little intro. Cheesy, but effective. Love those movie moments and actors intertwining…
– Nice Brokeback joke… I guess. Ah, I see, we’re going through all the past hosts, and leading up to the current host… Jon Stewart!!! Surprise, Mel Gibson!! That dude is charming. And here’s Jon… with Halle (she’s never been cuter, cast her in this role!). Ah and Clooney… Handsome man wih many chins. I smile.
– And here’s Jon!!! Make me laugh!
– I like this guy… hmmm safe jokes so far, but nice. Family nice.
– First political joke 1min 23 secs in…
– Charlize isn’t smiling… pourquoi? Ahhhh, Heath’s shrug confirms it… the cameramen are annoying.
– Clooney’s reaction to Jon’s joke is priceless … yes I love him. Joke gets an “A”.
– Spielberg joke had me cracked.
– Matt Dillon looks smitten with Charlize. Look at that expression on his face. He’s cruising!
– Crash… man I hate that movie.
– Western film montage!!… here we come… they found the last way to make a joke about Brokeback… lets see what the rest of the night has in store for us. Sigh…
– First presentation… here comes Nicole Kidman!!! Wow! Frosty white skin!! Cute! Love the hair and gown.:)
8:30pm
– Best Supporting actor goes to… C’mon George!!! Win!!! Matt Dillon is quite handsome. Right? I didn’t know. Paul Giammatti is good, but, I don’t know… I want him to win, but I’m not sure if he should win for this… Wish they chose another clip for Jake… next time. And hurt… why a nomination? Anyway, nice clip. Geez Kidman… your cute… and here’s George!!! Winner! Ask Kidman out!!! (I’m a loser). Man this guy is funny… what the hell is that crappy music playing over his speech. I feel uncomfortable. Wow, I love the stage décor… Man, George is tugging on my heart strings and churning the grey matter up here… What a guy. Phew… Glad he’s out of the way. This gushing is tough on my hands.
– And we’re back… Ah, another Clooney joke. I can’t escape him.
– Tom Hanks… what do you want? Ah man… Shoot, he made smile… ok they went to far. It was ok. Just realized how much better the speeches are without that music playing over them. What a mistake.
– Ben Stiller… you make me laugh often. Ah, green screen suit!! I like it. You have me in your tractor beam. Great concept gag… I actually would have liked to see it presented invisibly.:( Ok, what’s this award for, lost track… Didn’t like any of these movies much as a whole… but I know nothing… Hehehe, Stiller going strong… and King Kong wins for Best Visual Effects… Wow, THAT MUSIC!!!! STOP!!!
8:45pm
– Reese… you look ok. I can’t do better so, we’re even.
– Best animated feature… Haven’t seen Castle, but looks great! Corpse Bride is great looking, but those songs wreak. And the winner has to be Wallace!!!! Shoot, but Burton is all dressed up… PHEW! Wallace!!!!!! YAY!!! Ok, its confirmed, nominees in this category had to wear an odd fashion piece. Cheers, you’re amusing. Love what you do. Fun guys.
– Marc Anthony checking out Naomi Watts… She’s pretty. Not sure if I love that gown! Ok… she’s introducing Dolly Parton… don’t know this song… wish I could fast forward. Jenny McCarthy could play Dolly in a movie if she were shorter. She has some nice moves though… Jack Nicholson likes it! Shoot, she’s working the crowd really well. I wish high school events were this classy. Ok, lets move on.
9:00pm
– Scientology joke. Nice.
– Luke and Owen Wilson! Yes, I like them to!
– They mentioned Bottle Rocket! Rent it!!
– Nominees for Live Action Short… bope. Wish I had seen them… I’m guessing, ohhhh, say… “Our Time is up”… and “Six Shooter” wins!! Damn!
– This speech will be tasteful. And it is! Thank-you!… Please snipe the one responsible for that music over the speeches idea.
– Awwwwww… animated intros… Chicken Little and whoever. Pixar, come back, and lets get past “Cars” quick. Is that Zach Braff’s voice? Not a fan… but good for him anyway. Ooooooo these animated shorts look good!!! I’m going with “Moon and the Sun”… yes!!! I win!!! I mean they win!!! Woohoo!!!
– Speech music… I loathe you.
– Jennifer Aniston… Wish she never married that guy, can’t help but read into her demeanor. Ok, Best Costume Design… Why did I pick Mrs. Henderson Presents for this… Like that movie though… Please win… and… Memoirs of a Geisha? Thought that was too obvious. At this point don’t they just recycle those costumes from other productions. Yes, I’m ignorant…
– Worst sound goes to… the Oscars. What’s all that static, and arrggghhhh that score music.
– Russel looks pissed. I like him. Ok, he’s all business… bla bla bla… Enjoy the Superman lock of hair. Ah, introducing a montage of Bio-pics… nice. Ed Wood… rent it!!! So far, these awards are moving along well… Keep it up. Again, enjoying that stage set-up. I wish theaters looked this good. Then again, we’d have to change the people that attend… So I’ll just be quiet now. Actually, imagine dressing up to go to the movies… everytime!! Cocktails afterwards… Hmmm… there’s a great idea nestled in there. Discuss.
9:15pm
– Farrell and Carrell introducing Best Make-up. Dead-pan is alright. Nope, not working for me… Go Narnia, I guess… Sith was the… pitt…s.:) We want that Chronic, what! cles of Narnia! Yeah, it still makes me laugh. A Clooney joke… he has become a God, if he wasn’t already. Wish he had the power to shut that music off… you know, the one playing over the speeches.
– Jon’s back. Russel Crowe joke… and there’s fighting in it. Ah, Jamie Foxx liked it. Success. Nicole isn’t pleased, he’s her friend.
– Rachel McAdams, a joke on the fact she didn’t want to pose nude on that Vanity Fair cover with those whoevers… Ok, technical guys winning awards… they get there own night. Rachel looked nervous… she knows what its like to be me. Discuss.
– Oh… Morgan Freeman… bla bla bla… oh he stumbled… Who cares… Batman Begins sucked. Not your fault. K, best Supporting Actress… Go Rachel!!… Amy, you look sweet. Catherine Keener… good performance… Frances.. nothing new under the sun, she’s good all the same… Ok, Rachel, you’re the winner here… nice arch to her character… Michelle Williams, you were good, but it didn’t stand for me… Still, glad to have you. She looks great in that dress. I want to hug her. And if she were single I would hope to get a date. And its Rachel!!! Yay!!! And there’s Darren Arenofsky… make more movies please! Ah look… the music is now a tad more touching-ish. I want your first born!!! Ok, that’s a tad much. Please, tell me I’m not the only one annoyed by that.
– Lauren Bacall… what’s up?! She’s making me uncomfortable… is she ok? Seriously, I like this woman… but that mic sounds awful. I missed the point of her being there?… looks like Film Noir… If you guys like that stuff, check out the Hard Case crime books collection. My friend turned me on to it, I only read one so far, and it’s great!!! It’s by Lawrence Block, called “Grifter’s Game”. So good! Nice montage.
9:30pm
– Liking this years homage to films… K, what do you say Jon? Funny montage. And a faux commercial… I like this stuff. I think it’s the guy from Being John Malkovich. Ok, now I’m getting it… little skits for each Best Actress nomination. I like this.
– Here comes the hardest working man in the show… Terrence Howard. Shoot he looks dweeby, but he’s getting down to business. And I like him. Nothing more to say. Best Documentary Short goes to… A Note of Triumph. And Clooney. More attention to him. Wow!
– Charlize… Not a fan. She looks good, but I don’t care for the bow. K, Best Documentary is… I’m thinking March of the Penguins…. And… I’m… RIGHT! Kudos to me. Tonight is all about me!!!! Oh, look, they brought stuffed penguins, and they want to annoy us. Thanks! You distracted me from that music playing over you. Those accents are great, better then my Italian from St. Leo thing.
– Jennifer Lopez… you’re like the Aunt everyone in the family would hate because of her over-preserved looks. Ah, and she’s introducing a song from that awful movie Crash. Let me catch up on some Zzzzz’s. Oooooooooo, so moody, look at that dry-ice smoke… almost as pretentious as the film. I guess props for making the connection. Wow, this is awful… people walking in slow motion on the stage, re-enacting that car in flames scene… Paul Haggis put this together I’m sure. Ooooof. End please. This is on par with my high-school drama teams plays. Ladies and gentleman, the movie in a nutshell.
9:45pm
– Jon made a joke about the slow motion… just realized the fire wasn’t slow motion in that piece. AH HA!
– Sandra and Keanu. They have a film together again… a remake. Erase that info from my mind. Best Art Directon… Good Night and Good Luck… Potter… King Kong… Geisha… Pride… Kong will win… Go Keanu… open it… HUH? Geisha? Ah right, I’m an ignorant idiot moron. But seriously, why did that win? I’ll never see the movie, so I guess I will never know. Ignorance!!!!! Oh that music. My Achilles heal.
– Sam Jackson… walk that walk. I want to listen to you… go! Oh, here comes another montage… controversial films. Ummm, I missed the point, they just showed Day After Tomorrow. I’m an idiot. “They call me Mr. Tibbs!” Love that delivery. I miss the look of these old films…
– Jon… ok films about issues. Phew, that’s settled. Ok, the president of bla bla bla… you’re so interesting. Please talk to me. Oh wow, the art of storytelling. You’re enlightening me, continue. Ahhhh, films are entertaining and educational. Nice. And most of the suck. Riveting. Bravo! Even though he said that thing about theatrical movie-going experience because ticket sales were low this year, I agree. Its not the same. But don’t forget, theaters suck, the movies coming out suck, and the people attending, well I don’t know them, but they go watch bad movies.
10:00pm
– Salma is attractive… don’t like that shoulder thing on her dress. Why do they try so hard. I like the color, and her hair. Ok, here come the score tributes for 2006. Lets listen. Pride and Prejudice looks good just like that. Munich too… wow, this is effective… Why don’t the movies themselves have this feeling. Ok, I’m no getting into that one.Wow, the Constant Gardner score is quite powerful. I like it!! I hope it wins… but Brokeback I think served the film best. Wow, this is glorious. Nice ending. Loved that performance.
– John Williams got a double nom… he gets nominated every year, so who cares. And Brokeback wins!!! Yay!!! Michelle Williams dress is the best tonight I think.
– What an insult playing a crappy score over the winner’s speech for Best Score.
– Jessica Alba coming up. Bad hair. Mine isn’t any better, but I didn’t spend tons of money on it either. So…
10:15pm
– And Jon… pointing out the obvious… and here comes the joke… it’s a good one. Finger-synching.
– Jake… classy guy. Presenting… ah introducing a montage.. and yes, now I feel manipulated. These things are all about getting us back in theaters. Sorry guys, you don’t make movies like anymore. Or at least not as many, but they don’t have staying power. So make all the points you want about portable dvd players, etc… Just make the product better and we will come. But we do come actually… they made a killing. Aaargggh, I’m being played. Jake, say it ain’t so.
– Back to Jon… Joke about montages. You said it. Here come Jessica Alba and Eric Bana.
– Eric looks better then her, so does his hair. She’s jealous. Oh look, she smilled at a friend in the audience. She’s so popular. K, Best Sound Mixing goes to… King Kong. Good for you. Good joke from the little guy. Clooney would have sold it better, but pretty good.
– Special award for Robert Altman… presented by Lilly Tomlin and Meryl Streep. K, I’ll wait until the end for this.
– Great presentation… and a clip. Must watch all his movies. Standing O here you come… Tada! Lay it on us Mr. Altman. Oh look, no music. Man I would have loved for him to get pissed at them. Decent speech I guess… liked listening to him.
10:30pm
– Jon is a good host. Simple stuff… doesn’t annoy me.
– Ludacris introducing Hustle and Flow’s song, with class. Nice. He could act… to bad he was in Crash. K, let me enjoy this performance. This cheesy set piece works better and comes across better then that Crash thing, and I’m not just saying that because Crash was the worst movie I saw in 2005. Actually liked this performance. What’s happening to me. Great finale! Win! I liked that movie even if took me forever to see it.
– Oh Queen. Its all about you and your flavor. Sigh. Move on. I’m an a-hole.
– K give to Hustle and Flow…. And winner is… Man, Queen wrecked it for me. Look at her reaction… gets on my nerves, don’t know why. Anyway, glad they won. Wow, that score music is most out of place over this speech. Why did they bleep them? Anal bunch this Academy.
– Why is Jon laughing… tell me! Ah good joke. Jamie loved it. Good joke about the posses. Dradle-off.:)
– Award for Sound Editting… here comes a montage. Funny!! This works so well. Thank-you Jon.
– Jen Garner is here… shoot she almost fell. Crowd flipped. She looks cute, but doesn’t slay me in that dress. Sorry, I’m tough on fashion and have the vintage Batman movie tee to prove it. King Kong wins!! Yay! Is Jen Garner still pregnant? I don’t get the belly… I’m behind on my US magazine. Snap!
– Clooney, introduced as an Academy award winner. Charming guy. Stumbled a bit though… you ain’t perfect man!… I’m kidding. I hope he was kidding about that middle of the show comment… K, moment of silence.
10:45pm
– Will Smith, tell me… Best Foreign Language Film. He’s got spunk, you got to like him. Why the earings? Looks like some good films… Ioncinemites, you better know these (ioncinemites, bad handle)!!! Tsotsi wins! Wow, got a glimpse of Diane Kruger in the crowd. Knock out… This guy is emotional. I’m happy he won I guess. Man, my life is empty…
– Funny joke Jon… Scorcese no Oscars… what the hell.
– Ziyi Zhang… I could have sworn her name a few years a go was the other way around. Clearly I know nothing about anything to do with Geisha. Best Film Editting goes to… Crash… and I chose… CRASH!!! I hate that it won, but man this was predictable. “The stories intertwine, how did they tie them together like that?.. Guys, we give the award or what” ? The musi already started dude, it splaying over you as we speak… oh boy, they actually stop the music now when you take too long. WOW!!!!!!! I hate these guys, whoever they are.
– Swank looks swanky. Oh, look at her emphasize those words… I think she deserves those Oscars she won. And I detect a little wink wink in her tone, she’s playing out the words but she’s a normal woman. Ok, I’m rambling… Capote… Go Hoffman, I want to see you bark your speech, and you were great. Terrence was pretty awesome too!!! Heath, oof, he was great.. man I’m confused. Strong category… Phoenix, you would have won any other year, puts thing in perspective don’t it Jamie. Ouch! And David… so magnetic. Give them all something… but alas… it goes to… HOFFMAN! Ok must watch. He ain’t barking… emotional guy. So cool. High School the way it should be… everyone respecting an over-weight man. No, despite what you think my HS experience was a-ok. But can’t say there were many ladies that turned out well out of that bunch. Sorry, what am I saying. Go HOFFMAN!
11:00pm
– Home stretch. And its John Travolta. I used to like this guy, but he’s not doing it for me anymore… he’s looking more and more like Joe Rogan. Cinematography award… eesh batman Begins… puh-lease. K, give it to Brokeback… Wow Geisha. What am I missing out on here. To hell with me.
– Ok Jamie… you have friends. Good for you.:) Ok, Best Actress… Judi… she was great. I liked that movie. Charlize… haven’t seen the film people are calling Steel Magnolias for a new generation yet… Keira, you seem to be great in this thing. I have a soft spot for these movies, though I can’t ever watch them… well rarely. Felecity, creepy. I’m sure she should win. Reese, you’ll win. You had me in that movie… Ok she won! Good job… Whatever. I’m spent. Feel ike I already saw her win this. She actually looks like she won it already to… hmmmm. Phoenix is staring her down… looks like he wants her. Go get her tiger.
11:15pm
– Dustin Hoffman! I am a fan of the men tonight folks, but I’m all about the ladies… and the ladies love bloggers I’m sure. Alright, lets get these scripts out of the way. Yup, its tough writing a good script… so many bad ones. Best Adapted goes to… I say Capote.. I’m an idiot… that was obviously a Brokeback win. Congrats! Great movie. GOD THAT SCORE! RIP MY EARS OFF PLEASE!… but put them back on afterwards, because I looooooooove listening. What’s that? Sound… I hear it. But that score!!!!!
– Glimpse of Michelle Williams… you win!
– Uma, you are a woman. You have something about you that is very attractive. K, Original Screenplay… please SQUID AND WHALE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Crash wins, and the score. I know I deserve this for something. He’s Canadian, but I ain’t proud. I mean, I am happy for the guy, all the best, etc… but man that movie has gotten under my skin, and not for the right reasons. Wow, shameful cut-off for his friend. He must be the one responsible for the bad stuff in the script. Cough.
11:30pm
– Running late… and I thought they were onto something. Oh well…
– Mr. Oscar… Tom Hanks. Best Director is Ang Lee… and so it is (as my hair-dresser says). Wow Ang… worst joke since James Camerons “King of the World”. Mark my words, this will live in infamy. Not interested in anything else the man has to say. Hulk sucked!! Finally I could say it with confidence. I liked you until this moment. Shoot, he mentioned his dad… I’m an a-hole
– Jack’s back. He loves being loved. We share that in common, and I’m closer to him for it. Best picture… Brokeback. Ok lets go home. Say it already… Jack needs a Fisherman’s friend (the bonbon). I loved a few of these movies… but this category should be different. WHAT!!!!!!!! CRASH! Poor asphalt on my tongue why don’t you. I’m completely lost. This is proof the system is messed up. Anyway, I mean nothing. Wow. Lions Gate, good job marketing this movie. Good job Academy voters for believing whatever you heard about this small film and voting for it… Terrible. But I don’t feel so bad for Ang cause of his speech. Ok, I’m kidding guys, I don’t care. Blogging is tonight’s true winner!
Posted: Saturday, March 4th, 2006
That’s right yolks, tomorrow night, you’ll be in front of your TVs watching the event my cat has been waiting for all year!!! The Oscars!!! And either by your side or on your lap will rest your faithful PC/Laptop/Surprise me, because frankly just having the TV on with handsome, sexy, rich movie stars posturing for your enjoyment isn’t enough. So check back here and watch me confirm what you’re all thinking… as it happens!! Things you thought only went through your mind, such as, “Damn, Penelope Cruz is wearing a lame dress”. Of course, if she isn’t wearing a lame dress I won’t say it, but you’ll just have to come back and see won’t you. Oh what fun!
The Oscars air on ABC Sunday, March 5, 2006 5PM PT/8PM ET. See you then.
Here are my Oscar Predictions:
(all picks in bold)
Best Picture
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
CRASH
CAPOTE
MUNICH
Actor in a Leading Role
Philip Seymour Hoffman, CAPOTE
Heath Ledger, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Terrence Howard, HUSTLE AND FLOW
David Strathairn, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
Joaquin Phoenix, WALK THE LINE
Actress in a Leading Role
Felicity Huffman, TRANSAMERICA
Charlize Theron, NORTH COUNTRY
Reese Witherspoon, WALK THE LINE
Keira Knightley, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
Judi Dench, MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
Best Director
Steven Spielberg, MUNICH
Ang Lee, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
George Clooney, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
Paul Haggis, CRASH
Bennet Miller, CAPOTE
Actor in a Supporting Role
Paul Giamatti, CINDERELLA MAN
George Clooney, SYRIANA
Matt Dillon, CRASH
William Hurt, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
Jake Gyllenhaal, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Actress in a Supporting Role
Rachel Weisz, THE CONSTANT GARDENER
Frances McDormand, NORTH COUNTRY
Michelle Williams, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Amy Adams, JUNEBUG
Catherine Keener, CAPOTE
Best Original Screenplay
Woody Allen, MATCH POINT
George Clooney & Grant Heslov, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco, CRASH
Stephen Gaghan, SYRIANA
Noah Baumbach, THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
Best Adapted Screenplay
Dan Futterman, CAPOTE
Josh Olson, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
Jeffrey Caine, THE CONSTANT GARDENER
Tony Kushner & Eric Roth, MUNICH
Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Best Original Score
Alberto Iglesias, THE CONSTANT GARDENER
Dario Marianelli, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
Gustavo Santaolalla, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
John Williams, MUNICH
John Williams, MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Best Animated Film
WALLACE AND GROMIT: THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT
THE CORPSE BRIDE
HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE
Best Art Direction
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
KING KONG
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
Best Cinematography
Rodrigo Prieto, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Robert Elswit, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
Emmanuel Lubezki, THE NEW WORLD
Dion Beebe, MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Wally Pfister, BATMAN BEGINS
Best Costume Design
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
WALK THE LINE
Best Documentary Feature
MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
MURDERBALL
DARWIN’S NIGHTMARE
STREET FIGHT
ENRON: THE SMARTEST GUYS IN THE ROOM
Best Documentary (Short Subject)
THE DEATH OF KEVIN CARTER: CASUALTY OF THE BANG BANG CLUB
GOD SLEEPS IN RWANDA
THE MUSHROOM CLUB
A NOTE OF TRIUMPH: THE GOLDEN AGE OF NORMAN CORWIN
Best Film Editing
CINDERELLA MAN
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
CRASH
MUNICH
WALK THE LINE
Best Makeup
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
CINDERELLA MAN
STAR WARS, EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH
Best Short Film (Animated)
BADGERED
THE MOON AND THE SON: AN IMAGINED CONVERSATION
THE MYSTERIOUS GEOGRAPHIC EXPLORATIONS OF JASPER MORELLO 9
ONE MAN BAND
Best Short Film (Live-Action)
AUSREISSER (THE RUNAWAY)
CASHBACK
THE LAST FARM
OUR TIME IS UP
SIX SHOOTER
Best Sound Editing
KING KONG
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
WAR OF THE WORLDS
Best Sound Mixing
WALK THE LINE
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
WAR OF THE WORLD
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
KING KONG
Best Visual Effects
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
KING KONG
WAR OF THE WORLDS
Best Original Song
“In the Deep” – CRASH, Music by Kathleen “Bird” York and
Michael Becker; Lyric by Kathleen “Bird” York
“It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” – HUSTLE & FLOW Music and Lyric
by Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard
“Travelin’ Thru” — TRANSAMERICA, Music & Lyrics
by: Dolly Parton
Best Foreign Film
SOPHIE SCHOLL – THE FINAL DAYS
DON’T TELL
MERRY CHRISTMAS (JOYEUX NOEL)
PARADISE NOW
TSOTSI
