Trailer Trash: Art School Confidential / Lonesome Jim

Trailer Trash Times Two!

Do we have a treat for you fine folks to-day; not one but TWO! count ‘em, TWO Trailer Trash segments!!! Since the past few weeks’ events such as high speed chases on the 401 and canoodling with underage groupies made us forget we had a job to do, we decided to come back and deliver in spades for you ardent fans by doubling your double-mint fun! Of course, since we knew a simple double dose of your favorite movie trailer coverage wouldn’t be sufficient for you attention-span-of-a-gnat fanboys, we had to come up with a catchy, yet poignant title. We almost settled on ‘TTX2’ but that made us think too much of math. Another option presented on our table was ‘4T’, but we soon realized that it directly translated into ‘40’ which is completely nonsensical. It would obviously make a whole lotta sense if this were the 40th trailer that we were reviewing, but it’s only the 5th/6th, so like we said; no sense. Or even if it were this segment’s 40th anniversary, but if I’m still doing this in 40 years, I might as well just wrap my mouth around a gun right now. And lastly, praise the Lord our mighty savior, we came up with ‘T4’, but that reminded us that we are probably being audited this year. We also almost picked ‘TIT’ just for giggles. Now that all that unpleasantness is behind us, on with the show…

Art School Confidential – Sony Pictures Classics

When I first heard of this project that featured the re-teaming of indie cartoonist Daniel Clowes with kooky director Terry Zwigoff, I prayed to high heavenly hell that they would somehow recapture the magic the two produced with the brilliant adaptation of Ghost World, and after viewing this trailer, things are looking up.

Ringing endorsement

I really wanted to review this trailer using all kinds of snooty art references, but then I realized my ‘knowledge’ of ‘art’ doesn’t extend beyond ‘Henri Mancini scored the theme to Peter Gunn’.  It also made me realize how writ large the irony would be by being pretentious in poking fun at a trailer for a movie which itself makes fun of the pretentiousness of the art world. It also made me think “Am I myself pretentious for doing this so-called ‘Trailer Trash’ ever so often’? A black hole then opened up and swallowed my brain whole. Who the hell do I think I am? Just a dick with an opinion and some free time. Hey, I guess that makes me an artist after all.

“Yes, I look forward to many years of looking… at the triangles”

“Can any of you do one single thing that I haven’t seen one million times before?” This trailer had me at John Malkovich’s opening line. His character seems to perpetuate the old adage ‘Those who can’t do, teach’ (and those who can’t teach, teach gym). Ah, the life of a bald muscular-yet-slightly-overweight frustrated and misunderstood artist.

Step 1: Rub nipples vigorously against carpet. Step 2: Profit.

Max Minghella is the lead character, but I get the feeling his buddy Joel “where-the-hell-do-I-know-this-guy-from-he-kinda-looks-like-Timm-Sharp-from-’Undeclared’-but-it isn’t” Moore, might steal the spotlight away from ol’ Maxy boy. I thought I’d get annoyed by lead pretty boy Max but he seems to have the comedic touch to pull it off (his acting style is very reminiscent of Jay Baruchel’s ‘Undeclared’ character… is Judd Apatow in the house or what?)

The resemblance is uncanny. I almost showed you Sophia Myles next to Monica Keena but I’m saving that one for my fanboy fantasies.

Jim Broadbent’s character gives us a glimpse at the grim future that potentially (and most probably) awaits every art student who ever thought they could accomplish anything beyond learning how to mutter the phrase “Clean up on aisle 6”. It’s a thing of sheer beauty is what it is.

Art imitating life imitating Billy Idol

All the artistic stereotypes are present and accounted for (the has-been, the goth, the psycho, the misanthrope, the snob, the hippie, I-could-go-on-I-just-choose-not-to), and they are seemingly satirized to their full potential. I get the feeling that an art student who would actually watch this film still wouldn’t ‘get it’. Or he would but he’d convince himself “Oh, they’re not talking about me. I truly AM the greatest artist of the 21st Century.” I would pay big bucks for the opportunity to clothesline one of these pretentious dicks across their canvas-y faces. Now THAT would be art.

“That’s such a… stupid turtleneck.” (Artistic stereotype or keen fashion sense?)

Man, seeing this really makes me proud to have graduated with top honors from my art program. Of course, my art teacher was obsessed with shoelaces and flying saucers, so all I had to do was incorporate those elements into all my projects and you’ve got yourself an ‘A’ student and the greatest laughing stock portfolio on campus. See, I “understand” art; give the people what they want. And I’m sure this movie doesn’t refer to me, either.

I assume this is the money shot version of a lesbian on the rag. Is that what passes for art these days? ‘Cuz if so, consider me an artist.

You know who’s truly a great artist? Neither do I, and I’m sure you couldn’t care less about my thoughts on the subject, just as I would instinctively punch you right in the throat if you started lecturing me about art… You know what, I WILL tell you; Robert Clampett! Stuff it!!!

View the trailer here

Lonesome Jim – IFC Films
How Wes Anderson-ish

‘Lonesome Jim’. It’s right there in the title, you know you’re gonna wanna stab yourself in the left temple while watching this thing. It’s not an uplifting and respect-demanding title like ‘The Terminator’ or ‘Commando’ or even ‘Xanadu’.

Pretentious sappiness checklist time: Chronically despaired character with suicidal writers for heroes. Check. Comes back to small town home where the sun never shines. Check. Doting mother walks in on him while in bathtub. Check. Hates his family. Check. Has comatose sibling. Check. Deadbeat uncle. Check. Lives in van. Check. Kooky love interest. Check. Who’s his antithesis. Check. And has a kid. Check. Tries to convince said love interest she’d be better off with someone who doesn’t constantly think about slitting his wrists. Check. Gets life back together by teaching girls basketball team. Check. Teaches life lesson to team and vice versa. Check. Realizes he should be girlfriend’s son’s father. Check. Girlfriend pigeonholes all his problems with one Freudian (don’t quote me on that, just sounds smart) sentence she heard on Frasier. Check. Little cloud raining over his name in the title. Double-check. Did I miss anything? Oh, catchy pop music; “Today I think I’ll stay in beeeeeddd…”

My life sucks, pity me, whein, whein, whein… NO ONE LOVES ME!!!

I’ll admit, even though we’ve been bombarded with this formula a gajillion times, I’ll be a sucker for it if it’s well done. Garden State was a pretentious sh*t-fest but it was still enjoyable on some level; it did make me laugh. But if I want a movie that makes me think and pulls at my heartstrings I’ll watch Teen Wolf Too instead, and don’t think I don’t own it.

Anyone ever play… Bombardment?

It’s kinda like if Kevin Smith and Zach Braff joined forces to produce a joint sequel to both their latest crapfests. I bet you could totally market Kevin’s witty diatribes with Zach’s eager pretentiousness. I can picture the marquis in my head already: Jersey State! Nah, too redundant. Garden Girl? BORING! (yet, somewhat sexy…) I got it; Garden State II: The Reckoning of Jersey Girl. This is gonna write itself, I can feel it. Liv Tyler could be caught in a love triangle between the brothers Affleck–no, wait, scratch that; add Zach Braff to the mix and you’ve got yourself a love, um, square, I guess. Jack Rovello runs away with Raquel Castro, which is just wrong, I know, but what’re you gonna do, producers have sick & twisted ideas… and Jennifer Lopez comes back as a zombie, which shouldn’t be too much of an acting stretch for her. George Carlin, Ian Holms, Seymour Cassel and Mark Boone form a barbershop quartet and take the Orient by storm! I don’t see Natalie Portman being a part of this ‘cuz I figure she’s had her fill of starring in not only one, but TWO sh*tty sequels lately… and the first one sucked too come to think of it (yes, that river of sh*t). Stir in your contractually obligated appearances by View Askew alumni Jason Lee, Ethan Supplee, Matt Damon and Jason Mewes, and you’ve got yourself a 10th anniversary Deluxe 8-Disc Extended Director’s Cut DVD with production stills, liner notes and a commemorative booklet ready to hit the shelves and take up a dusty spot in your crappy movie library between your copies of ‘Def Jam's How to Be a Player’ and ‘Scooby-Doo meets Batman’ for a measly 59.99$!!! (USD). My rectum is clenched in anticipation.

I was tempted in only showing the lovely Miss Tyler in lieu of any other still from this film, if only ‘cuz she seems to be the only interesting visual attraction through all this, you know, before she chunked out…

How come this ‘loser’ gets the girl? A hot girl. Liv Tyler hot. Liv Tyler. I thought the whole point of being a loser was to always LOSE! Like the song says; “Have you heard about the lonesome loser? Beaten by the queen of hearts every time…” (Oh, Little River Band, where art thou?) If anyone truly perpetuates the loser stereotype, you’re reading his words; it’s Saturday night and I’m writing this hunk of junk! I remember watching all those movies form the 80s with ‘loser’ themes of winning in the end… WTF? That ruined me for life! Gave me false hope! I thought it was OK to be a loser ‘cuz I knew that eventually I would win, no matter what! John Hughes, you are dead to me.

Eye Of The Tiger

So who the hell directed this yawn-fest? Steve who? Buscemi??? MR. PINK???? Huh, imagine that… Hey, lookit that, his name's in big bold letters ‘The New Comedy by Steve Buscemi’ how'd I miss that? If only there were better ways to set up badly written jokes. Well, time's up!

View the trailer here