Trailer Trash: The Proposition

The Proposition – First Look Studios
HI HO, TINFOIL! AWAY!

Let’s go down the list of some classic Westerns, shall we? Um, okay, uh… Once Upon A Time In The West? Never seen it. The Wild Bunch? Heard OF it. How the West Was Won? Keep catching the end credits at 2 AM, getting kinda frustrating. The Good, The Who And The What Now? Never heard of it. Magnificient Seven? I saw Seven Samurai (whatever parts I didn’t sleep through), that still counts, right? Ooh, I got one; The Outlaw Josey Wales. Now that kicked ass, and the only reason I saw it is because it came free with my DVD player. Thank you Warner Bros. (seriously, thank you,
I could’ve ended up with a copy of Miss Congeniality instead). Plus, Sondra Locke is cute to boot! No wonder Clint shacked up with her all those years. Unfortunately, that movie made me take up spitting, anywhere, anytime, and contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t woo the ladies like it does in the movies. I guess I shouldn’t have used the movie as a how-to guide, it seems only Clint can successfully use spitting as a pick-up line. The man spits more times in that film than the number of people Arnold kills in Commando! (For those scratching your head in bewilderment, he kills a lot of people, like, a billion…)

Purty.

I’ll just take a cue from my opening line for the following classic Western being… Drip-Along Daffy! Although I think it might fall under the “short film” category. It’s got everything you need in a Western; guns, horses, beautiful landscapes, a talking duck and pig (Heh… “Homber”), it’s like being transported back to the 19th Century! Porky’s opening rendition of “The Flower Of Gower Gulch” brought a tear to my eye and pains to my chest. It’s really awesome. And the villain? Hoo boy, did HE ever give me the heebie-jeebies. Once you see a man take a bite out of a loaded six shooter and start masticating it like a ruminating cow, you tend to develop a newfound respect for uneducated burly men with hairy under bites. Nasty Canasta indeed. I’d like to see “Clint” do that, if that is in fact his real name.

-“I wish to present you with a proposition.”
-“I’m all ears.”
-“This isn’t easy to say, but…”
“I’m listening.”
-“Well, you see, the thing is…”
-“You want me to kill my brother.”
-”I want you to kill your brother.”
-“…”
-“Is that a problem?”
-“Let me get this straight.”
-“Sure.”
-“You want me…”
-“ You. Right.”
-“…to kill…”
-“Go on.”
-“…”
-“…”
-“…my brother?”
-“That, uh, that about sums it up.”
-“Uh… when?”
-Tomorrow-ish. Nooner maybe. If you can squeeze that into your schedule that is. We can’t really afford to wait, y’see, he’s uh… he’s kinda on the lam. Might be hard to, y’know,”catch” him. So if you could just go right ahead and do that, that’d be super…”
(I’m not really sure where I was going with all this, but it’s great filler)

OK, Best Western ever? Vaudreuil-Dorion, exit 35 off the 40 autoroute. But seriously folks, best Western MOVIE ever? Back to The Future, Part III. There’s no two ways about it. I mean for the luva Pete it’s got it all; a whiny kid who can’t let things go, a retarded scientist, a love interest who can read, albeit briefly a pack of injuns (“Indians” for you non-educated people–or educated, depends on how you see it… and it’s okay for me to use that term, I’m 1/8th Apache…), retarded villains, ZZ Top & Flea as guest stars, Clint Eastwood references up the wazoo, and a train that travels through time itself! TIME!!! Never seen John Wayne’s ride do THAT!

“There’s, uh… there’s something I gotta tell you… I didn’t really track you down all across the land so we could go cow-tipping…”

I keep hearing bad things about Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter and Billy the Kid versus Dracula, but titles like that just scream instant classic. Ah, 1966… Director William Beaudine’s proudest year.

Go fish! No wait… weren’t we playing ‘old maid’? Yo, dude on the right, you feeling okay?

Crapass, I’ve just been going on and on about nothing, haven’t I? Haven’t really talked about the trailer itself it seems. OK, here goes; after viewing this trailer, I came up with my own “proposition” for you folks… ah, screw this… I’m not a big fan of his music, but Nick Cave’s screenplay looks promising. Good enough? Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, pard-nuh!

Don’t stare directly at the screen. Seriously, computer monitors can harm your retinas after prolonged exposure.

“Anyone for tennis? Anybody?”

Rating:
Go to the offcial site for the trailer. Enjoy!