Trailer Trash: Waist Deep

Waist Deep – Rogue Pictures

Modern Day Crapfest: The gist (as I understand it): main character, an ex-con, lets a few thugs and a tramp dame carjack him and kidnap his son, said main character starts robbing banks to get money for ransom to get kid back, with said whore dame in tow, with the worst rapper in history The Game thrown into the mix. Sounds like a winner to me. Are they seriously robbing banks in their goddamn civvies? I’m already pissed off here. So this jerk-off gas station attendant refers to Tyrese Gibson and Meagan Good’s characters as modern day Bonnie & Clyde. Really? Does that mean that just a week ago there was another bad guy/girl bank robbing duo? Doesn’t he mean either “You’re the new Bonnie & Clyde!”, or “You’re a modern day Bonnie & Clyde!”? You can’t have both, wigger, that’s just bad grammar. And is that all it takes nowadays? All that’s needed to be compared to this legendary duo of robbers is a guy, a girl and a gun? “Wow, you guys so madly in loooove, you like a modern day Romeo & Juliet, yo.” “Check this guy out, he so fly, he like the next Sammy Davis Jr., but with both eyes.” “Sheeeeet, you so f*ckin’ gay dude, you like a modern day ‘Soap’-era Billy Crystal.” Any other time in the future when a bad chick/bad guy combo form a gang outfitted in zoot suits and actually commit a few murders during the next prohibition, maybe then they can be referred to as the next Bonnie & Clyde. Maybe.

Get Met. It Pays.

If At Least Nudity Was As Gratuitous As It Was Back In The 80s: Why do so-called ‘parents’ who either did time, were in the military, or did time in the military ALWAYS promise their kids they’ll never leave them again? It’s like villains have a goddamn radar for that kinda horsesh*t talk. “Sweet Jesus, Bennett, did you f*cking hear that? That c*cksucker Arnold Schwarzenegger just told Alyssa Milano he would never leave her again. Alright boys, pack up your sh*t, we got a busy day of kidnapping ahead of us. Yo, Su-lly! Can you make some of those delicious ham & turkey sandwiches for the road? Whaddaya mean you’d haveta go to the store? What? We’re out? Aren’t we independently wealthy bad guys with, like, 30 of our own cooks? And we DON’T have any turkey AND/OR ham? OR that square white bread we use to make the sandwiches? Come over here. No, you dickhead… COME HERE!… BANG! Now I’m pissed. Before, I just wanted this to be group activity, y’know, something fun we could all do together, but now it’s completely shot to hell. It’s like everyone has their own shit nowadays, y’know, I just thought, since we hadn’t hung out in a while that this might bring us a little closer together, y’know? Well, f*ck it. I woke up really chipper this morning, y’know, birds were on my windowsill, but they weren’t chirping or anything, they just looked nice. I didn’t get any afterflow after my morning whiz, my pop tarts were perfectly toasted… but my mood is completely ruined. I’m on a goddamn power trip now, boy-oh-boy lemme tell you, not only am I gonna kidnap this pre-pubescent brat, but I’m SO making this sonuvabitch kill the president of Val Verde so that I may dictate again. God… dammit!!! I’ll bet he’s having delicious sandwiches right now as we speak, probably made with TLC from his god-forsaken daughter. I– I’m so angry right now, I’m, I’m just beside myself. WHERE ARE ALL THOSE WHORES WE USUALLY KEEP AROUND? I WANNA–GAAAH!!!–DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, TO ANY OR ALL OF THEM!!! I WAS NICK ON CHEERS, GODDAMN IT!!!!”

I did not tamper with any of these screen caps.

Please Don’t Play The Name Game: ‘O2’, ‘Junior’, ‘Meat’, ‘Wanna Be’, ‘Coco’… WTF??? Is this based on a children’s book? Written by a monkey? On Prozac? You know what, I’m gonna write and direct a biopic about Steely Dan for the sole purpose of creating a character named The Fez (look it up), especially if he has absolutely nothing to do with the story. “Chevy Chase, meet The Fez.” “The Fonz?” “No, The Fez.” “I’m not sure I… follow.” “Just smile and nod you no-talent hack… bet you feel pretty stupid for leaving the band now, eh? He’s our new drummer if you must know. You really wanna try your hand at this whole comedy thing, go right ahead. ‘No hesitation, no remorse’, just like the song says, mofo.” End of scene. Hell, that was the whole movie right there. Y’think Chevy will sign on? I’m sure he needs the money, or the food stamps I’d pay him with.

Any.

Seizure Time!: It must be my birthday. I was hoping for the freeze frame/halo effect/sound-you-make-when-you-drive-into-a-tunnel magical combo. Followed up, no less, by the freeze frame/negative effect/cut-to-black power pack trio!!!! Bam! Boom! POW! Man, I hope the whole movie is like this, I haven’t had a good debilitating seizure since that time I injected 23 shots of Jameson in my left eye and proceeded to watch Def Jam’s How To Be A Player. Damn, I almost forgot about the screaming-your-child’s-name-in-anger-at-multiple-different-angles/scenery-shot-turns-to-blood-red medley! SWEET!

Cue Hip Hop: “I’m a baaaad girl…” Right here, that’s where I’m feeling all of this (I’m pointing in the general direction of my crotch for those at home). Ah, yes, cue yet another song, this time without any female vocals, only instrumental, and follow a group of thugs walking into a dark room holding up a bunch of Uzis. As 200-feet tall Jacksons dressed in sequins would freakishly ask atop a nighttime skyline while shooting pixie dust from their fingertips “Can You Feel It?”

Worth the price of admission?

Larenz Tate Eyes: Anyone else sick to their stomach of Larenz Tate? He seemed to have disappeared for a while and now he’s popping up in Oscar-winning movies. Damn, he’s like a modern day Bettie Davis, minus the talent… and he’s a guy. A young guy. Oh, and he’s black.

Black History Month Trivial Pursuit: So, which line featured in this trailer appears in every other trailer (not just movie, but actual trailer) featuring an all-black cast? Is it a) “You got my money?”, b) “I’m an ex-con” or c) “It’s all or nothing.” Answer… Trick question! It’s all 3!!! Although Gabrielle Union and Morris Chestnut are suspiciously absent from this whole debacle, maybe the script was too ‘serious’ for them…

The Little Girl From House Party 3: If they recut this movie featuring the scenes in which Meagan Good appears in while blurring the other people out from the shots, all in slow motion mind you, while continuously playing ‘How Deep Is Your Love’ by The Bee Gees, I MIGHT go see it.

How can you say ‘no’ to this face?

Rating:

Check out the trailer here.