Trailer Trash: Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man

Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man – Lionsgate Films
Check out the trailer here.

All Tingly, In A Sad Way: There’s something about Lenny’s music–nay, his voice, that just grabs you from behind like a 2$ hooker on some bad ecstasy. But what else can you expect from the man whose Greatest Hits album was voted the most depressing album of all time?

“Talk Hard. Steal The Air”: Immediate memories when hearing the first few notes of ‘Everybody Knows’? Anyone? That’s right, it was the first time I was beaten within an inch of my life by the school bully ‘cuz I had had enough already and proceeded to pull his shorts down in front of the entire Phys Ed class. In retrospect, not the brightest idea. And why they were playing that song on the school P.A. system is still somewhat of a mystery (although popular reports believe the Principal had a thing going with our Arts & Crafts teacher and caught her cheating on him with the janitor, who had AIDS, and wanted to let her know that not only he, but everybody knew. How befitting.) But it also reminds us all of Pump Up The Volume with Christian Slater and Samantha Mathis. I was but a wee lad when I saw that movie, and I firmly believe it has the best gratuitous tit shot since Pretty in Pink when it comes to melodramatic teen angst fare.

School Of Rock: I guess my dissertation on So Long, Marianne back in my college English class should have been time spent more on the meaning of the lyrics rather than why Brian Hyland’s upbeat take on the classic was the best cover version you could ever hope for, even going so far as saying it was possibly superior to the original… stapled along with a picture of my next door neighbor Marianne drowning in her pool screaming for help as I watched hopelessly from my sunbathing in the buff duties, sipping on my third mai tai. Had it not slowed my reflexes I might’ve been able to save her. I was only 7 years old at the time, kinda knocks a kid right out. Why I failed that class still irks me. (Whoever took that picture, anyways?) Man, Lenny’s song titles apply to everything.

I’m getting all wet in the crotch-ial area.

You Too? Are Bono and The Edge really the only people they saw fit to include in the trailer? Sure, towards the end we’re graced with “Featuring performances by…” but they only show these 2 c*cksuckers actually talking about Cohen, Bono especially. I’m almost afraid to see what would happen if they ever made a biopic about ABBA. The whole trailer would probably be Bono spread eagle on a stack of old ABBA albums jerking off to a life-size cardboard cutout of the Swedish foursome. Hell, that’ll probably be the whole movie. Wouldn’t that make a great movie poster though? I bet it’d win all kinds of awards, the offensive, yet bi-curious kind, of course.

Leonard Cohen Or The Three Stooges? Make Up Your Mind: Mel Gibson? Really? I thought he hated ‘the Jews’.

I like the sound of my voice, especially if you’re recording it. You’re recording this, right?: I don’t disagree that he’s an icon, heck, I’m slightly biased ‘cuz he’s a homeboy (represent), but is it really necessary to say there will never be another Leonard Cohen? OF COURSE there never will be another; no two people can be alike! Everybody’s biogenetic makeup is unique to each and one of us alone! Does this guy NOT watch the Learning Channel? But The Edge was obviously only implying that no other artist/poet/man-who-puts-on-pants-one-leg-at-a-time-like-the-rest-of-us-but-sometimes-if-I’m-sitting-on-the-edge-of-my-bed-I-can-slip-in-both-legs-at-the-same-time-TA-DAA! will ever touch our lives the way he did, so he’s even fuller of hot air than I previously thought. Horseshit. “Look at me! I’m a super talented gazillionaire musician, but I’m humble and modest enough to praise my supposed inspiration and fellow artist for millions to witness. I sure do hope that in 20 years Conor Oberst says there will never be another U2. Oh glee.” Get over yourself you arrogant prick. Your band sucks and you’re never gonna make it big.

“Thank You For The Music”: I pray to our savior the Lord Jesus Christ (or Buddha, as the case may be) that if ever Lenny gets inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame that he’s not inducted by Bono/U2. Knock yourself out off and induct ABBA for all I care, but I’d rather see someone like that pudding-pumper Rufus Wainwright do the honors for Lenny, at least he’s a Montrealer. Heck, Captain Kirk would be more acceptable. Longest. Most dramatic. Induction. Speech.

Ever.

Name of the gal on the right, please. Anybody?

I’ll Have A Chelsea Hotel No. 2, Hold The Mayo: I guess I should be proud to count ol’ Lenny as a national treasure, and not just as a simple Canadian but as a Montreal Native, no less. Even technically a Quebecer. But the only other people I can think of to include in that category off the top of my head are Corey Hart (the rich man’s David Duchovny), Gino Vanelli (great, now I have “The Wheels of Life” stuck in my head), William Shatner (he “sings” right?) and Melissa Auf Der Maur (I’d give her a shot in the mouth). Man, this city is so fuckin’ blessed with talent. I fear the day ol’ Lenny kicks the bucket, I truly do. Street names are gonna be changed (as if it wasn’t confusing enough around here, I mean f*ckin’ Christ, why would Bleury just spontaneously become Parc??? Can anyone seriously answer me that?) St-Jean-Baptiste Day will be replaced by ol’ Lenny Cohen Day (which is fine by me, as long as we still have the day off, with pay to boot), every little indie university prick market and café will change the name of their sandwiches, finger foods and lattes to Marianne, Suzanne and Lady Midnight. Billboards, T-shirts and posters will grace the land as far as the eye can see proclaiming the departure of our greatest poet/hero/laureate/singer/songwriter/monk, which isn’t hypocritical or money-grabbing at all. A statue will no doubt be erected smack-dab in the middle of the Old Port for thousands of tourists/sailors (millions? Do we get that many people? Maybe they get lost on their way to the Lobster Festival in Gaspé) to see and wonder why our Prime Minister (or President for you Americans) was so fashionable, and I can’t wait too hear the dozens of new albums Lenny will put out mere months after his demise. All-new material no less.

I’d hang this on my wall.

Open Mike Nite Every Thursdays: OK, Antony from Antony and the Johnsons gives me the freakin’ willies. Period. Hm, Nick Cave-BORING! Go write another screenplay you goddamn freak. Alright, anyone worthwhile here? Let’s see…ooh, Beth Orton. How scrumptious. I saw her perform a few weeks ago; she was totally not wearing a bra. Ah, and there’s Jarvis-I’m-too-good-to-play-Jack-Fairy-Cocker. And we can’t forget Rufus*cough*brazen homo*cough* Wainwright and Martha*cough*homosister*cough*Wainwright.

Laurels: So what else has this director ever given us? A Willie Nelson TV special? I’d take that off my resume if I were you, sweet-cheeks. If it’s as good as it looks, let I’m Your Man speak for your future endeavors.

“Ooh, the wheels of love will turn my world forever
I want you in my arms for all time
And maybe love will come to rescue me
And I’ll never ever set you free…”

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